I have a bunch of girlfriends. Good
girlfriends. I love them to death. Really, we know how to get together and have
a blast. Just a fun bunch of chicks.
But still, even with our connectedness, there are times when our moods ain’t
all together in sync and you get an off night.
Off-nights are rare, but they do happen, and it ain’t pretty when it does.
I was sitting and thinking of all the things that can and have gone wrong in all the nights I’ve gone out with my friends over the years and figured that if only there were a set of rules, or a list of things to remember when you hang with your girls to guarantee a good night, you know, one you can reference to smooth that thang on out.
It's a necessary document.
So, without further ado:
Rox’s 25 Things to remember when going out with your girls – GROWN WOMEN’S EDITION:
1. Please check the attitude at the door - It is enough stress in life already without the rest of us girls trying to figure out your fucked-up attitude. Bigger the group, you may have more than one sourpuss.
2. Get your rest the night before - I know we all want to party like a Rock Star, but most rock stars are not 40 year old mothers with kids, and a 40+ hour a week job. The old yawning chick nodding off in the booth is not a good look
3. Get a babysitter - It is not okay to have Man-Man and Lil’ Sis in the car with a Big n Tasty Meal and a Nintendo DS no matter how many times you run out the club to check on them.
4. Get your outfit together early - I know it doesn’t always happen, but if you got a good little notice of an event, start working on your outfit from the gate. Especially if you know all you have in your closet are tennis shoes and the big t-shirts that you wore when you were pregnant. No, don’t nobody have a dress you can borrow that fits your linebacker shoulders or jeans for your tiny waist having ass 30 minutes before it’s time to go.
5. Be confident in your gear - Now this is a big one. Some of us girls, no matter how cute, how nice their outfit, how beautiful their makeup came out, ALWAYS likes someone else’s turnout better. “Oh, I should’ve worn that.” “I thought we were all wearing jeans!” “I feel dumb, I’m the only one not wearing black.” All that shit works the last nerve.
6. Tell someone when they have on something wrong - I don’t even have to explain this one, but I will. Big girls, thin girls, it doesn’t matter. We have all seen someone who we immediately said under our breath, “The hell does she have on?” Well, I blame the friends. Instead of staring tight-lipped and disgusted at your friend when you opened the door and she got her flap-jack-pancake-flat-size 40dd-titties in a low-cut spandex shirt and no bra, say SOMETHING. Please. If they still are ok with their outfit, you did your part. Hey…do you boo.
7. When at all possible, let’s meet up at someone’s house so we can caravan together.* - Just like Attitude girl, there is always at least one Lost girl who doesn’t know the directions to anywhere, even if they grew up in the city. Can’t read Mapquest, doesn’t know how to work Navigator on her cell. (It is in everyone’s best interest to keep Attitude Girl and Lost Girl as far away from each other as possible.)
8. Be prepared to chip in somewhere - What I mean by this is, if your friend is driving, offer to pay for parking. Or treat for them a drink. Cheap girl is always unwelcome.
9. Let the smokers all ride in one car - Hey, if you’re a weed-head, fine. But do that over there in that car. Y’all can keep your rotation intact and everything. This way, there’s no argument over rolling down windows, your allergies being inflamed, your hair stinking, the surprise drug-tests your job always have…none of that.
10. Let’s just relax and go with the flow - We have a long night ahead of us. Besides Lost and Attitude, there is On-Time girl, who makes everyone’s life miserable by repeatedly expressing the fact that “the invitation says the party starts at 9pm” and rushes us all just so we get to the party and the hostess is in a robe, still helping the DJ get set up. (Attitude girl and On-Time girl may or may not be one in the same person.)
11. Agree on what type of night this is going to be - One can’t be ready to hit the club and the other just wants to hang at a lounge, and the next wants to shoot pool. I’m telling you, when you cave in and agree to go to the club when you wanted a calm night, the loud music combined with overly excited dancers and Club Man (more on him later) can make you wish you’d just stayed the fuck home.
12. Make sure you have enough money to get in to a paying event - Listen, this is a recession. Unless you agreed separately with someone to let you borrow some cash, do not assume. No, I don’t “got you”. You need some money, your debit card work just like everybody else’s does. Stop at the ATM first.
13. When going to a paying event and you have some sort of hookup, look out for the ENTIRE group - Let’s face it, groups of girls have varying types of looks and styles. Some cuter than others. Doormen like the pretty chicks. Let them go sweet talk the man holding the list. Unless you got a good amount of charm, just stay back. Know your strengths! Pretty chicks – get EVERYBODY in.
14. Get your tired girl involved right away - She’s tired. She’s told everyone this no less than 50 times before you even got to the outing. A lot of times, Tired girl is hard to sway, BUT if you can get her 2 or 3 shots of Patron and then drag her out to the dance floor, you should be good. *Tired girl is the only exception in the caravan rule and needs to drive her own car BY HERSELF.
15. Beware of Club Man - Sigh. He’s usually just alright looking. He is nursing one drink so tough that his Rum and Coke is almost clear. He’s scoping out the club, looking for a girl he can latch on to with the hopes of her getting so tore down he can come up. THEY CAN DETECT WEAKNESSES. You don’t believe me, let your song come on, brothaman just appears out of thin air. Also note, these guys get better looking as the drinks go down.
16. Designate someone to lookout for the drunk - Another biggie. Groups of girls can quickly get rolling and the good times ensue. Older chicks have a whole lot more stress in life and therefore more reason to get it crunk right away. Before you know it, everybody is too drunk to be any good to anyone. This is BAD. At least one girl per every five girls should be “the eye”, watching for Club man, holding back long hair when someone is throwing up, and making sure no one in the group has turned a banister into a stripper pole somewhere.
17. Separate checks - I had 2 drinks. You had 14. Trying to explain why your part of a $265 bill is only $28 is useless to your girl with smeared makeup, a hole in their blouse that they have no idea how it happened, and a hopeless case of the giggles/crying/fuck you’s/I love you girl’s. Separate it from the beginning and let the drunk argue with her waitress.
18. Remember that at least one of your girls loves a good fight - We too old to be scrapping, plain and simple. But the wiry one in the group always seems to know when ol’ girl over there is staring a little too hard. Early in the night it can be confronted with a “girl, just ignore her”. Later with plenty of drinks, you’ll be mad at yourself for breaking your nails, tearing the strap off your purse, or scuffing up your $300 shoes for some bullshit. Plan for Fight girl (who is usually very fast and agile) and all possibilities.
19. Drunk texting may or may not be a good thing - You got a new man? Your baby eagerly waiting for you at home? You hooked up with the cutie in the shindig? Your booty call should be just about ready? Fine. That’s ok. But cursing out your ex’s new chick and telling her how your pussy is much better than hers is such a moot point. Fact in the matter is he chose her pussy over yours. Sorry to be so blunt, but it is what it is.
20. Have cell phone numbers for the ones who like to wander - Some chicks branch off from the group and that’s cool. We grown. But the old adage, “we came together, we leave together” applies here too. Looking for someone for 45 minutes can piss everybody off and kinda cloud everyone’s good time. If you can call them, it’s all good. Now, if they don’t answer their cell phone, when you DO find them, you have permission to cuss that bitch out with no reflection on the friendship.
21. Know when to fold ‘em - Nothing is cute about 9 girls who were so fly when they walked in but now just a mass of stumbling, talking-too-loud, sadly mistaking retarded-dancing for sexy-dancing, dirty feet from pulling off your shoes and stepping in God knows what, women. Try to leave 30 minutes before the event is over (I know this is sometimes impossible when the music is jamming, but try).
22. Get clear who is going home and who is hopping to the next spot - It is already confusion at the end of an outing. Comprehension is at an all time low. Make sure everyone is okay to get where they are going. Now, I know it ain’t right for anyone to drive drunk, but it happens. The least drunk of the group is the one to make this decision.
23. Even if Lost Girl is the least drunk, she CAN NOT LEAD THE CARAVAN HOME - You ever went to sleep in the car, heater on, music on, and blindly let Lost girl drive home? You wake up an hour later to her and Attitude girl arguing about how she ain’t even found the damn on-ramp for the freeway? Now you gotta collect your thoughts to figure out: 1. where the hell you are, 2. calm Attitude girl down, 3. type in the streets to your almost dead cell-phone, and 4. pray you can get a signal or connection long enough (drunk texting, anyone?) to get directions…all this just kills your buzz.
24. Bring it ALL THE WAY down - The fun is done. When you get back to the meeting place, everybody just get in your car and roll. Do not restart the party out in front of someone’s house at 4am. This includes keeping the music turned down, no dancing/singing in the driveway, no peeing in the bushes, and please no burnt rubber when you pull away.
25. Group text when you get home - Self explanatory. It just helps when you wake up the next afternoon to see that your girls made it home.
This should do it. But if I forgot something, please feel free to add below.
Happy Hanging! :)
Off-nights are rare, but they do happen, and it ain’t pretty when it does.
I was sitting and thinking of all the things that can and have gone wrong in all the nights I’ve gone out with my friends over the years and figured that if only there were a set of rules, or a list of things to remember when you hang with your girls to guarantee a good night, you know, one you can reference to smooth that thang on out.
It's a necessary document.
So, without further ado:
Rox’s 25 Things to remember when going out with your girls – GROWN WOMEN’S EDITION:
1. Please check the attitude at the door - It is enough stress in life already without the rest of us girls trying to figure out your fucked-up attitude. Bigger the group, you may have more than one sourpuss.
2. Get your rest the night before - I know we all want to party like a Rock Star, but most rock stars are not 40 year old mothers with kids, and a 40+ hour a week job. The old yawning chick nodding off in the booth is not a good look
3. Get a babysitter - It is not okay to have Man-Man and Lil’ Sis in the car with a Big n Tasty Meal and a Nintendo DS no matter how many times you run out the club to check on them.
4. Get your outfit together early - I know it doesn’t always happen, but if you got a good little notice of an event, start working on your outfit from the gate. Especially if you know all you have in your closet are tennis shoes and the big t-shirts that you wore when you were pregnant. No, don’t nobody have a dress you can borrow that fits your linebacker shoulders or jeans for your tiny waist having ass 30 minutes before it’s time to go.
5. Be confident in your gear - Now this is a big one. Some of us girls, no matter how cute, how nice their outfit, how beautiful their makeup came out, ALWAYS likes someone else’s turnout better. “Oh, I should’ve worn that.” “I thought we were all wearing jeans!” “I feel dumb, I’m the only one not wearing black.” All that shit works the last nerve.
6. Tell someone when they have on something wrong - I don’t even have to explain this one, but I will. Big girls, thin girls, it doesn’t matter. We have all seen someone who we immediately said under our breath, “The hell does she have on?” Well, I blame the friends. Instead of staring tight-lipped and disgusted at your friend when you opened the door and she got her flap-jack-pancake-flat-size 40dd-titties in a low-cut spandex shirt and no bra, say SOMETHING. Please. If they still are ok with their outfit, you did your part. Hey…do you boo.
7. When at all possible, let’s meet up at someone’s house so we can caravan together.* - Just like Attitude girl, there is always at least one Lost girl who doesn’t know the directions to anywhere, even if they grew up in the city. Can’t read Mapquest, doesn’t know how to work Navigator on her cell. (It is in everyone’s best interest to keep Attitude Girl and Lost Girl as far away from each other as possible.)
8. Be prepared to chip in somewhere - What I mean by this is, if your friend is driving, offer to pay for parking. Or treat for them a drink. Cheap girl is always unwelcome.
9. Let the smokers all ride in one car - Hey, if you’re a weed-head, fine. But do that over there in that car. Y’all can keep your rotation intact and everything. This way, there’s no argument over rolling down windows, your allergies being inflamed, your hair stinking, the surprise drug-tests your job always have…none of that.
10. Let’s just relax and go with the flow - We have a long night ahead of us. Besides Lost and Attitude, there is On-Time girl, who makes everyone’s life miserable by repeatedly expressing the fact that “the invitation says the party starts at 9pm” and rushes us all just so we get to the party and the hostess is in a robe, still helping the DJ get set up. (Attitude girl and On-Time girl may or may not be one in the same person.)
11. Agree on what type of night this is going to be - One can’t be ready to hit the club and the other just wants to hang at a lounge, and the next wants to shoot pool. I’m telling you, when you cave in and agree to go to the club when you wanted a calm night, the loud music combined with overly excited dancers and Club Man (more on him later) can make you wish you’d just stayed the fuck home.
12. Make sure you have enough money to get in to a paying event - Listen, this is a recession. Unless you agreed separately with someone to let you borrow some cash, do not assume. No, I don’t “got you”. You need some money, your debit card work just like everybody else’s does. Stop at the ATM first.
13. When going to a paying event and you have some sort of hookup, look out for the ENTIRE group - Let’s face it, groups of girls have varying types of looks and styles. Some cuter than others. Doormen like the pretty chicks. Let them go sweet talk the man holding the list. Unless you got a good amount of charm, just stay back. Know your strengths! Pretty chicks – get EVERYBODY in.
14. Get your tired girl involved right away - She’s tired. She’s told everyone this no less than 50 times before you even got to the outing. A lot of times, Tired girl is hard to sway, BUT if you can get her 2 or 3 shots of Patron and then drag her out to the dance floor, you should be good. *Tired girl is the only exception in the caravan rule and needs to drive her own car BY HERSELF.
15. Beware of Club Man - Sigh. He’s usually just alright looking. He is nursing one drink so tough that his Rum and Coke is almost clear. He’s scoping out the club, looking for a girl he can latch on to with the hopes of her getting so tore down he can come up. THEY CAN DETECT WEAKNESSES. You don’t believe me, let your song come on, brothaman just appears out of thin air. Also note, these guys get better looking as the drinks go down.
16. Designate someone to lookout for the drunk - Another biggie. Groups of girls can quickly get rolling and the good times ensue. Older chicks have a whole lot more stress in life and therefore more reason to get it crunk right away. Before you know it, everybody is too drunk to be any good to anyone. This is BAD. At least one girl per every five girls should be “the eye”, watching for Club man, holding back long hair when someone is throwing up, and making sure no one in the group has turned a banister into a stripper pole somewhere.
17. Separate checks - I had 2 drinks. You had 14. Trying to explain why your part of a $265 bill is only $28 is useless to your girl with smeared makeup, a hole in their blouse that they have no idea how it happened, and a hopeless case of the giggles/crying/fuck you’s/I love you girl’s. Separate it from the beginning and let the drunk argue with her waitress.
18. Remember that at least one of your girls loves a good fight - We too old to be scrapping, plain and simple. But the wiry one in the group always seems to know when ol’ girl over there is staring a little too hard. Early in the night it can be confronted with a “girl, just ignore her”. Later with plenty of drinks, you’ll be mad at yourself for breaking your nails, tearing the strap off your purse, or scuffing up your $300 shoes for some bullshit. Plan for Fight girl (who is usually very fast and agile) and all possibilities.
19. Drunk texting may or may not be a good thing - You got a new man? Your baby eagerly waiting for you at home? You hooked up with the cutie in the shindig? Your booty call should be just about ready? Fine. That’s ok. But cursing out your ex’s new chick and telling her how your pussy is much better than hers is such a moot point. Fact in the matter is he chose her pussy over yours. Sorry to be so blunt, but it is what it is.
20. Have cell phone numbers for the ones who like to wander - Some chicks branch off from the group and that’s cool. We grown. But the old adage, “we came together, we leave together” applies here too. Looking for someone for 45 minutes can piss everybody off and kinda cloud everyone’s good time. If you can call them, it’s all good. Now, if they don’t answer their cell phone, when you DO find them, you have permission to cuss that bitch out with no reflection on the friendship.
21. Know when to fold ‘em - Nothing is cute about 9 girls who were so fly when they walked in but now just a mass of stumbling, talking-too-loud, sadly mistaking retarded-dancing for sexy-dancing, dirty feet from pulling off your shoes and stepping in God knows what, women. Try to leave 30 minutes before the event is over (I know this is sometimes impossible when the music is jamming, but try).
22. Get clear who is going home and who is hopping to the next spot - It is already confusion at the end of an outing. Comprehension is at an all time low. Make sure everyone is okay to get where they are going. Now, I know it ain’t right for anyone to drive drunk, but it happens. The least drunk of the group is the one to make this decision.
23. Even if Lost Girl is the least drunk, she CAN NOT LEAD THE CARAVAN HOME - You ever went to sleep in the car, heater on, music on, and blindly let Lost girl drive home? You wake up an hour later to her and Attitude girl arguing about how she ain’t even found the damn on-ramp for the freeway? Now you gotta collect your thoughts to figure out: 1. where the hell you are, 2. calm Attitude girl down, 3. type in the streets to your almost dead cell-phone, and 4. pray you can get a signal or connection long enough (drunk texting, anyone?) to get directions…all this just kills your buzz.
24. Bring it ALL THE WAY down - The fun is done. When you get back to the meeting place, everybody just get in your car and roll. Do not restart the party out in front of someone’s house at 4am. This includes keeping the music turned down, no dancing/singing in the driveway, no peeing in the bushes, and please no burnt rubber when you pull away.
25. Group text when you get home - Self explanatory. It just helps when you wake up the next afternoon to see that your girls made it home.
This should do it. But if I forgot something, please feel free to add below.
Happy Hanging! :)
I loved this...I was laughing all the way through and all the while in my head I was like Yep that's insert my friend's name here.
ReplyDeleteHey Rox! Even though I am a younin' (18) I LOL'd throughout the entire post. I can agree with everything you said, especially about the friends who like to fight. Even though I've never been to a club, I've been to enough parties to fully understand what your talking about. Love your blog and your channel! =)
ReplyDeletetoo funny... and all relateable examples
ReplyDelete