What NOT To Get Your Girl For Valentine's Day

I was casually strolling through my FB home page and I came across one of my girls who's status said she’d got a ham for Valentine’s Day.

A HAM.

What exactly does this say about how you feel about a woman? I mean, I'm asking: that is a legitimate question. Sigh. Men, this is not ok, nor is it acceptable. A ham? For real? I don’t give a good goddamn if she looks like she hasn’t had a meal in a week, we do not want MEAT for Valentine’s Day. We just don’t.

So men, in order to avoid this type of mishap from occurring again, I have put together a very comprehensive list that you can even print out and take with you to the mall to assure this type of fuckery doesn’t happen onecst again.

And that ain’t no typo. 

Here we go: TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO GET YOUR GIRL FOR VALENTINES DAY

1. Anything Made By Baby Phat, House of Dereon, or RockaWear – Assuming that most of you are over 18 reading this, please pass up these designers. No grown woman should be walking around with a sweatsuit with a big foil cat taking up one complete leg, jeans with multicolor letters sparkling all over it, or one of those gold and silver bomber jackets. 

2. Flowers From The Grocery Store – Yeah, yeah…I know we like them fine when you pick them up for us occasionally and for no real reason, but it’s Valentine’s Day. Let’s break out the exotic flowers from the real floral arranger. We are over the chrysanthemums and baby’s breath.

3. The Baskets They Sell On The Corner – Now men, nothing says “I didn’t even think of you until I had to stop at the Chevron” faster than one of those sorry baskets from the tables taking up one full corner section of the gas station. And if you REALLY want to piss her off, tell your girl you spent $85 on a stale box of chocalate covered cherries, two plastic wine glasses, one long stem fake rose, and a bottle of Andre’s Blush Champagne. 

4. A Gift Certificate To Get Her Car Serviced – I know we been saying we need to get our oil changed and tires rotated, but we also need a mammogram and you don’t see us asking you to smash our titties down between two plates do you?

5. Lingerie – Men, we know how you see this: it’s a win-win for everybody right? Well….first off, you had better made sure that it’s going down that night. Because when she opens this particular box, it can either be on and poppin', or it could get the serious side-eye. Bad. Secondly, you guys rarely know our lingerie sizes. Don’t nobody feel like contorting into this tiny bra that cuts all into our back fat, nor do we have 25 safety pins at the ready to reconstruct this big ass gown you bought us. 

6. The Dreaded “Stuffed Animal Holding The Heart” – Please don’t do this to yourself or her. 

7. Sex Toys and/or Porn – Ok, so let’s assume that it’s implied that it is GOING DOWN on Valentine’s night. If it’s the 1st time, and you guys haven’t had a good thorough talk about fetishes and the sort, do NOT choose this time to whip it on her. The whole “Hot Caramel and Creamy Ass Gang Bang Trilogy”? No. The Silence of the Lamb mask? Alarming. 

8. Virtual Valentine’s Day Card – Men, unless you are thousands of miles away and simply can’t get to your woman, please do not send this as a gift. Women like to know you put some thought into their presents, not forwarded an email that your boss sent to the whole staff in your office.

9. Perfume from the Drug Store – You figured you’d at least get a card, right? You are running into CVS and right at the door is a great big gigantic posterboard promotion of Halle Berry’s perfume. You think: HALLE BERRY = GOOD, PERFUME = GOOD, and $12.99 = GOOD. You just killed three birds with one stone, right? Wrong. Cuz WE think PERFUME = ROACH SPRAY, BODY WASH = YEAST INFECTION, and TALC POWDER = WHO THE HELL WEARS THAT???

10. Your DICK *extreme language warning* – Men, I hate to break it to you. But we don’t always sit around dreaming of jumping on top of you. Even if we do, that is IN ADDITION TO the gift, not THEE gift. After your girl took off work, made sure the kids were out for the evening, slaved in the kitchen making you a wonderful meal, wrapped up your gifts (plural), and got dolled up and she presents all this to you, do not gesture to your lower parts when she excitedly asks where is her gift. Do not then further exacerbate the situation by unbuckling your belt and pants, leaning back and putting your hands behind your head, implying “It’s all yours baby”….I can’t speak for all women, but I believe I can speak for most when I say that the only way you gonna feel any breath on the that mothafucka is when she leans down to see if there is a Tiffany & Co. necklace hanging around it. You can shine it up all you want with baby oil.  You can even spray glue on it and get some rainbow glitter and sprinkle it on there with blinking signs with arrows hanging on the bitch and everything...keep that bullshit to your-DAMN-self.

Ok men, you can do it!  That should be it…Happy Shopping! 

itsrox